Day 23

Well, it’s the end of the day here on Thursday, 9 April. It’s been 23 days since the shelter-in-place order was issued for our area. Sometimes, at night, it doesn’t feel like we are living in the middle of a pandemic. We can hear the freeway from our window, planes are arriving and taking off from the airport nearby. People are in their apartments watching TV. Perhaps there are more lights on in our complex, but, it feels normal. Then the day hits, and it’s the same routine. Wake up, brew the coffee, take a shower, turn on the work laptop and then work. And even after writing this down, it sounds pretty normal. But then I have moments at random throughout the day where I am reminded that this is not normal.

10:23am – a meeting has ended early and I get up to go to the bathroom. I am able to stand on my balcony for a few minutes and savor the cleaner air.

12:45pm – I am able to lay in bed and read a book for a short time after lunch and in between meetings.

4:00pm – I clock out, crack open the gin or the wine and my work day is pretty much over.

These are all things that I would not normally be able to do. I am savoring these little spaces of quietness. I know people throw themselves into their work partially to escape and partially because it gives them meaning. Not me. I am increasingly becoming tired of the work that I am doing. It lacks meaning for me and I am increasingly realizing that my heart is no longer in it. And, rather than be depressed or upset or even angry, I am finding myself more determined than ever to make a change. I know that when this is over, or at least in a state where some semblance of normal returns, that I am going to quit. I am going to spend a few months finding what it is that I really want to do. Maybe focus on writing and mentoring. The bottom line is that I am tired of working for other people and trying to meet their expectations when mine are not being met.

I suspect a lot of us are feeling this way due to COVID-19. The world may not fully reset from this pandemic, but there is nothing stoping me from resetting on my life and myself. I feel hopeful. And that’s a nice feeling when its so easy to feel helpless in the world.

By the way, as I get into the swing of writing on this blog, I will actually get better at posting coherent and musing-like posts. If you have read this far, cheers! Stay safe and stay healthy.

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